Twisting your ventricles

Some people just shouldn’t try to be clever when they’re writing. You don’t need to read beyond the first paragraph of this article from Yahoo! Shine to see that the writer is one of those people. It will twist your ventricles into a vice:

I’m going to attempt a simultaneous translation of that little expression: By “ventricles” the writer means “heart.” By “vice” the writer means “smoking, gambling, or other unsavory activity.” So, the dude in question will twist your heart until you start smoking or playing the ponies. Makes sense. (The misspelling in what should be “50 Shades of Grey” is hardly worth mentioning after that.)

Those of you still reading, undeterred by that gem, will uncover a missing word here:

and (surprise!) a missing word there:

If you’re foolish enough to continue reading, you may want to chew on this for a while:

Trudging on, you’ll find a missing comma, another missing word, a missing space, and one too many periods. (Only the one before the closing parenthesis is correct):

Finally, if you’re dotty enough to read the photo caption, you’ll see that the writer can’t tell a plural from a singular noun:

I think I’ll go take an aspirin after that. My ventricles feel like they’ve been clamped in a vise and I feel a little cardiac event coming on.

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